After All This Time
by castlealways1
Summary: After so long trying to find her mother's killer, Kate Beckett ends up losing her hopes.She pushes away the one person that was waiting for her to be free from her past "for his own good". Four years later they run into each other. What will happen then?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer**: Nop, as far as I'm concerned I don't own them. But you never know, _you never know._**

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

'_It's hard to fight these feelings__  
><em>_when it feels so hard to breathe__  
><em>_Caught up in this moment__  
><em>_Caught up in your smile.'_

Kate tried to hide in the shadows as she saw him crossing the road, heading towards that same street. Was it really him? He looked a bit older and tired, but damn…He would always look good to her. She stood there, trying to decide whether or not she should approach him. What was she supposed to do?

He had already crossed the street by then. She looked away hoping he wouldn't notice her, _not yet_ at least. She wasn't ready. She would wait to see where he was going and, then, when she felt comfortable with the situation she would get closer and talk to him. But she had to think for a moment about what to say.

The last time she had seen him…It had been so long ago. And was it even fair that she went to talk to him? After all she was the one who pushed him away. It had been for his own good, but he didn't understand that…of course he didn't. He loved her too much to see things clearly at the time. It had been so tough for her too, and precisely when she was getting over him, he ends up at the same street as her.

_Oh, stop lying to yourself. As if you would ever get over him. You don't get over the man you ever loved the most. The one that was willing to stand with you, to fight your fights side by side with you. The one that wanted to dive into it with you even knowing it wouldn't be easy. The one that would offer you wine and flowers when you were feeling terrible. The one that saved your life over and over again. The one that stood there saying "You can do this, Kate". The one that wrote books and books about you. The one that kept putting his life in danger for you. You just don't get over a man like this. You just learn to survive based on the fact that you two are apart for his own good. _She thought, as she leaned back on the closest wall and closed her eyes for a second, without even minding the fact she was standing in the middle of the street.

"Kate?"

She immediately knew who it was, even before opening her eyes and blinking twice. _Rick._ He was standing right there, right in front of her with that smile of his. Oh, she had missed that smile.

Kate opened her mouth to speak, but nothing was coming out. She straightened up, moving away from the wall as she cleared her throat. Where had her voice gone? "H-hey, Castle." Oh, there it was. It was nothing but a murmur, but at least it was there.

"I was crossing the street and I saw you here." He said, as his eyes slowly roamed her face.

"What a coincidence!" A nervous smile appeared in her face, and she saw in his eyes that he could still read her like a book. He knew she was nervous and clueless on what she was supposed to say.

"Yeah…You look good, I see you cut your hair again, almost like you had it on our second year..._together_." He paused there for a moment. "Oh that didn't come out right, did it?"

She lowered her eyes, feeling uncomfortable. She wished she would have the courage to tell him that it had came out perfectly right. That she usually thought about those years as the time they were _"together"_, too.

As for the hair, she knew it didn't look better, but after the first year without him, she had started to feel a lot more like the Katherine Beckett she was before he entered her life. And that Katherine didn't have long, curly hair, because…It made her look like someone who had a lighter personality, less hurt and happier. And she wasn't that person anymore. Beckett was also perfectly conscious of the dark circles around her eyes although they had been there for years now.

_So yeah, I look anything but good. _

Still, there was a small smile appearing in her lips as she replied."Thanks, you look good too."

"It's been a long time…" Now he was the one that seemed a little lost.

"Four years, yeah." She threw it off like it was no big deal, but they both knew exactly how much of a big deal it was.

Therefore he wasn't smiling anymore, and neither was she. Her head was spinning, her heart was rushing, and her knees were just so weak…She took a deep breath and made the biggest effort to find the words to break the ice.

"How have you been?"

"Fine." He simply said. "You?"

She didn't answer immediately, taking her time to contemplate his big blue eyes, hoping to find a single trace of happiness, since his voice didn't seem to carry any. When she didn't, she felt her heart clench with sadness and disappointment. Where was that beam of joy that always used to surround Rick Castle?

"Me too." She replied absently, still focused on his eyes.

A heavy silence took over them. He was now exploring her eyes as well, she could tell. And lost in those deep oceans of blue, Kate wasn't even aware of all the people passing by, of all the traffic noise. It was just her and Castle. Again.

For how long had they been staring into each others eyes? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? She was completely lost in time,_ lost in him._ Suddenly, Castle broke the eye contact, staring around instead. She noticed something had caught his attention right above her. A coffee shop sign.

"Hey, since we're here, you wanna go get some coffee? I think we could use a little catch-up." He sounded hesitant, but not as if he was afraid of her answer. More like he was unsure of what he was doing.

And Kate had just had coffee. Actually, when she saw Castle on the other side of the street she was leaving that same coffee shop. And she knew that all the effort they both had eventually put on letting each other go for the past four years would probably be thrown away with that not-so-innocent coffee and catch-up. But for once, Kate Beckett didn't care and she used her heart instead of her head.

"Yeah, sure. Let's go."

She smiled, and followed him in.

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><p>AN:** Hey there :) So, I started writing this fic back in November. Other things got in the way (including other stories) and I never got to publish it. **

**This is a small chapter, just because I felt like posting something right now.**

**I have the next chapters written, but I wanted to know if there was anyone interested in reading it(?) If you are, please leave a review.**

**Every chapter would be from a different POV. The ones I've got so far are from Kate's, Rick's and Alexis'. **

**I really, really hope you liked it. :)**

**Oh, keep in mind that English is not my first language.**

**Clara**

**P.S: Thank you SaraAbigale. Without you this story would be a mess, full of unnecessary dashes. You're awesomesauce :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

_'Skies are crying_  
><em>I am watching<em>  
><em>Catching teardrops in my hands<em>  
><em>Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance'<em>

She had something to tell him, something that would make a difference. Or maybe not, he probably didn't even care anymore. Still she had been expecting an opportunity to tell him. Well, not exactly expecting. She might have grabbed her phone and dialed his number a couple of times, more or less. Okay, maybe more. But she had never had the courage to press the call button, she didn't want to go back with her word after four years. Kate felt like it wasn't fair, she felt like she didn't have the right to ask him for a second chance. Well, of course she didn't. And so she never called, but would that even matter now? He probably had a girlfriend by them. Or another wife. _A wife. _That thought gave Beckett a pang in her heart and she found herself checking his ring finger as he opened the coffee shop door to let her pass first.

_Okay, no ring, but…still too late._

They sat on a table by the window, and, out of nowhere, Kate was hit by the memories of the last time they had seen each other.

"_Can I take you home?" He was standing by her desk, his arm extended to her as an invitation. _

_It had been a tough day, another dead end on her mother's case. They were both exhausted after two chases and five interrogations leading nowhere. She hesitated for a moment, considering her options. In a matter of seconds numerous scenarios crossed her mind. _

_She could decline the offer and tomorrow everything would be exactly as it was today. She could say yes and have that tough talk she had been feeling she needed to have with him. Or, she could simply get up, grab his hand and let him guide her to his car. He would take her home, she would invite him up, and then he would ask her how she was holding on and she would allow herself to break down. She would let him hug her, comfort her for once. The next morning they would wake up and the sun would be shinning brighter in her life. Then, a few months later, maybe a week would be all it took, she would mess it up. And it would be a thousand times worse. __At this thought, her eyelids squeezed shut__ for a second._

"_Kate?" She raised her head to look at him. His beautiful blue eyes were trying to hide traces of grief behind pure concern. He didn't deserve this. Option two would have to do. "Are you okay?"_

"_Yeah. Yeah." She murmured as she got up and picked up her jacket from the back of the chair. "A ride home would be great." _

_#_

_She barely looked at him in the car, let alone speaking. She just stared through the window, watching as people walked down the streets. She saw a couple holding hands, she saw the smile on the woman's face, a smile she recognized. She had smiled like that once, maybe twice. Unlike the woman, it hadn't been with her boyfriend. Oh no, she had smiled a lot with Will, with Josh…With all of them. But only one person had managed to make her smile __**like that **__woman. And that person was sitting right next to her, probably wearing his brain out trying to figurea way of cheering her up. _

_#_

"_Will you be okay?" Castle asked when they arrived._

_He was standing at the door and she was already inside, her back turned to him though._

"_I need you to do something." She turned her head to look over her shoulder, still without making any kind of eye contact._

"_Sure. Anything." His words only made her heart ache more and she lowered her head before speaking._

"_Go away, please."_

"_Yeah, sure, If you rather be alone." _

"_No. I'm not talking about now. I mean like…" Without knowing if it was good or bad for him to see the tears that were starting to make its way down her face, she didn't turn around._

"_You mean like…?" He asked, confused. _

_She couldn't say the word, she just couldn't. But it had to be._

"_Forever…" She whispered._

"_You want me to go away…forever?" He asked, now in a deeper tone. He sounded shocked. "Kate, what are you doing?" _

"_Please, Rick." _

"_Turn around, Kate. Why are you doing this?"_

"_Because I…" Why was she doing that? As if he would ever understand. She was doing it because she wanted him to be happy. Because she wanted him to move on with his life. Because she had been chasing that bastard for years and she was tired of having hope. She just didn't think it was possible to find him anymore. Because she was going to carry that with her for the rest of her life and she didn't want to have anyone else suffering with it. Because that guy was dangerous and he had risked his life too many times. Because she knew he'd do anything for her, she knew if she told him that he would hold her and tell her he was willing to stand with her even if she never solved that shit, he'd tell her everything was going to be okay. But it wouldn't be. She would like to hear that, mostly, she would like to believe that. But she didn't, not anymore. That wall was never coming down and she couldn't bear to see that hope in his eyes every time he looked at her. She couldn't have him there. Getting hurt in her fight. _

"_Because you what?" He said, bringing her back from her thoughts. _

"_Because I can't…have…you…around anymore." The tears wouldn't stop and she couldn't even speak properly._

"_Kate, turn around. Turn around and tell me in the eyes you want me to go away and I will."_

_Beckett lowered her head, then burying it in her hands for a moment she spoke again._

"_Just go, Rick." _

"_Turn around." He insisted, obviously trying to keep his voice from shaking. _

_She wiped away her tears, even though she knew they would keep falling. Slowly, she turned around._

"_Go." She said, her voice sounding a lot steadier than she would have expected. "Happy now?"_

"_You are…crying" Rick said, scrutinizing her eyes, probably looking for more signs of hesitation._

_She took a step towards him without even realizing. For a moment all she wanted was to fall in his arms and lay her head against his solid chest. But she couldn't. Once you make a decision like this you can't go back, there's too much at stake._

"_Please, Rick. Do it for me. I know what I'm doing. I know it doesn't seem easy right now, but believe me, it's the best for…" You, she hoped. " Both. It's the best for us both ."_

"_You're damn right it doesn't seem easy. Kate, stop it. I get it, it's that wall, isn't it? After today you think you'll never be able to bring it down." _

_She remained silent._

"_That's it, isn't it? Oh, come on Kate, you're just saying that because it was a really rough day. Tomorrow it won't seem so bad, I promise." She didn't reply so he continued, desperate. "Or was it me? Did I do something?"_

"_Please close the door when you leave." She said as she walked towards the hallway. _

"_You don't wanna do this." _

"_Bye, Castle." _

_Kate entered her room, closing the door behind her. She then let herself lean back against it and slid to the floor._

_ Only a couple of minutes after she heard the door closing, and, as she did, she felt a really deep wound opening in her heart._

_#_

"Beckett?" Castle's voice, coming from across the table, invaded her thoughts and she blinked.

"Sorry. What were you saying?"

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><p><span>AN**: Hii! Thank you all for the reviews and alerts, I honestly wasn't expecting that big response to such a small and chapter.**

** So, first of all, I usually update faster but something happened and I was feeling kinda upset. Remember me saying I had the next chapters written? Well yeah, I lost them. All of them. So I'll have to rewrite everything and...I'm not very pleased :/ **

**As for this chapter, I hope you don't mind we're sticking to Kate's POV for now (?) **

**And also, no, I don't think Kate would do this, but this is fanfiction and the interesting part is what would happen if she did, right? :) **

**So, while I'm trying to reunite the courage to write everything again, you might want to check out my other fic,_"Come and Find Me_", if you haven't already. (Personally I think it's better than this one) And if you do, well ya know, leave a review? :) **

**Thank you all for reading and please, hit the review button right there, I could use some encouragement, now more than ever.**

**Clara**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Pleasee don't kill me. Please read this anyway, even though it's been a long time since I last updated. **

**I'm so sorry, I just haven't got over the missing files thing yet. But I'm getting there. I promise I'll try to update faster next time. :/ Okay, I deserve your hate. It's a fact...**

**But will you please read and leave a review in the end? :) _(I'll take hate reviews even)_**

**So, to help you remembering what this story is about (because you're most likely to have forgotten it already) here's a little extra summary: **

**In the last chapter, Kate and Rick were having coffee after being apart for four years. She was recalling the last time they were together, and the way she told him she wanted him to leave. **

**There you go. **

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

_Never wanted this, never wanted to see you hurt.__  
><em>_Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.__  
><em>_But people are people,__  
><em>_And sometimes it doesn't work out,__  
><em>_Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out._

"Are you okay? Your eyes…" His voice was full of pure concern but she didn't really understand why until she blinked and felt a tear rolling over her face. The pain those memories came with was still too much for her to handle.

"Yeah, yeah." She rubbed her cheek, wiping it away. "It must have been just something that got into my eye."

"Okay, if you say so." He sounded hesitant, and his eyes were wide open as if they were trying to read into hers once again. Kate shivered at the thought that he could still read her like a book.

"Welcome to 'The Mug', what can I bring you today?"

They both raised their eyes to meet the kind smile of a waitress standing by the table. _For how long has she been standing here?_, Kate wondered. Fortunately, the waitress didn't seem to recognize her although she had just been sitting in a table nearby, ten minutes ago. They ordered coffee and some pastries and the young woman left, leaving them in a deep silence.

"Aren't you mad at me?" Kate asked after a while.

"Why would I be mad at you?" She couldn't tell if his tone was rather ironic or just sad.

"You know…for…pushing you away?"

Another silence, but this one coming with a long and painful moment of eye-contact.

"Honestly? I don't know." Castle answered.

She waited for him to say something else but when he didn't she just hummed in response.

A few minutes later, the waitress was back, placing both of their mugs on the table, as well as the food plates.

"If you need anything else just let me know." If she noticed the heavy atmosphere surrounding the table she didn't reveal it. Giving them another bright smile before turning around, she headed for the counter.

Kate suddenly felt an awful taste in her mouth and a feeling of discomfort ran down her spine. It didn't take her long to realize it was all due to the nerves. The sickness of knowing you made a terrible mistake and you really need to make it right somehow. Unsure if she would be able to swallow anything at all, she just stared at her coffee and played with the edge of the mug for a while. Castle, on the other hand, seemed to be using his coffee as a pretext for not speaking, as he didn't pull his mug away from his lips for a single moment. But all that coffee would eventually end.

"It hurt, you know Kate? A lot, actually." He finally said, after emptying his white mug.

She knew that already. But hearing it coming straight from his mouth? It just broke her heart and made her even sicker with herself.

"I know. I'm so sorry." And nothing could make that feeling go away. "I…I had my reasons at the time."

"You know you could have told me what those were."

She turned her head slightly towards the window, blankly staring at the cars going by before answering.

"You wouldn't understand."

"You could have given me a shot at least." He didn't sound angry or mad. _Just_ sad.

"You wouldn't let me go if I told you..."

"Well, in case you didn't notice, I didn't anyway. Not for a long time. You were the one that didn't answer my calls nor texts. Oh, and telling Gates to deny my access to the precinct at any cost? That was pretty selfish. You know, I have friends there." Now he did sound mad, but Kate preferred it that way. She felt like she deserved all of his anger. "I did what I thought that had to be done. But I never meant to hurt you." She whispered as her voice failed her.

Another silence. Kate wore her brain out while trying to find something to say but nothing else would come out, even though she had rehearsed that same speech a thousand times in her head. He, however, was the first one to speak, leaving her astounded by the sudden change of subject.

"Well, that was four years ago. How have you been? Did you… marry?"

_Marry? What a joke._

"No, I didn't." She let herself take a deep breath. They would eventually have that conversation, just not quite yet. "Did you? How many times more?" She added, giving him a playful smile.

He smiled back.

"Very funny. None, actually."

"None? I'm disappointed, Mr. Castle." Slowly, the ice was starting to break between them and Kate started feeling slightly relieved, and that was when she remembered she had a coffee to drink. Feeling better, she took her first sip.

"Are you? I'm sorry then, Detective Beckett."

"Seriously, why didn't you marry again?"

"What's the point of marrying the wrong girls, over and over again?"

"Trying to find the right one, perhaps?" She was unsure of what she was doing. Pretending that the man sitting in front of her hadn't once been in love with her, acting as her own feelings for him had never been that much of a big deal. Anyone who listened to the conversation they were just having would say they were mere friends who hadn't seen each other in a while. But they both knew that it was just _so much_ more than that.

"I thought you were the one and done kind of woman." He observed, his smile turning into a more nostalgic expression.

"And I am. But you're not."

"Things change." Kate noticed the hidden meaning in his words but still she took the easiest way and let out a frivolous laughter.

"You can't start being a one and done kind of guy after marrying two women, Castle. You just can't. It's math."

"Really? Who invented that stupid rule?" And suddenly it seemed like the old times. But seeing that grin that was coming across his face, and knowing that it hid so much behind, Kate felt her heart tighten. He clearly pretended not to see her change of expression. "Well, then I'll be a three and done kind of guy. Even though that doesn't sound right. Maybe I should just stay single. And, you, boyfriend?"

"Not at the moment."

"I see."

They took a moment to eat. Well, he took a moment to eat. She took a moment to think. There was that thing she had to tell him. But how could she? How could she tell him that the one reason that led her to make that decision was no longer a valid one? You can't tell that to someone when you're sure it will totally mess with their new lives, whether they moved on or not. She couldn't find the right words, so she kept it for later.

"What about writing?"

"Oh." He looked to his cup of coffee for a while before answering. "I haven't written much."

"I figured that, since I haven't heard any news lately about Rick Castle's books."

"Heard? Come on, admit it, you just haven't received any newsletters from my website." There it was, that cocky grin that she had loved so much even though she never admitted it. Well, she still did, didn't she?

"Seriously, you stopped writing?"

"Well I'm just taking a break. Did you…read the last Nikki Heat one?"

"I did."

"Did you…" He paused there, as if he was unsure if that was safe territory, but eventually he continued. "…like the ending?"

"Well, I was glad you didn't kill her." Kate recalled that afternoon spent in her bed, finishing the book. It had been hard, even before getting to the end of the book she already knew that it would be the last one, therefore there would be a goodbye that she'd have to read. A goodbye that he'd create to make up for the one they barely had had. Turns out she was wrong. He had made things simpler.

"Yeah, I thought about that. But then I remembered all the complaining I heard when I killed Derrick Storm and then making her disappear sounded like a better idea."

"I think so too."

With that said, they gazed into each other's eyes again. Some things just never change. That peace that Rick's eyes gave her, was one of them.

"How's your dad?" Castle asked, after a while.

"He's been doing fine. And Alexis? Oh my God, I can't believe I hadn't asked you about her yet, I'm so sorry."

"It's alright. There are just so many things to catch up about! Alexis is fine. She's almost getting out of college, but currently she's at home. Winter break."

"Really? What does she want to become?"

"A social-worker."

"I'm sure she'll be great at it." Kate smiled, as she recalled the amazing teenager Alexis had been. "How grown up is she?"

"More than I am, for sure."

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but it has always been that way since I know you." She caught herself absently playing with her hair and biting her lip. _Stop it, Kate. It's not time for that._

"Thanks a lot. I once heard someone say that you should take it as a compliment when people call you childish."

"Wise words. And Martha, how's she doing?"

"She's great. And still lives at my place. She has this role in some play and she's all happy about it."

"Really? Good for her, then!"

Her phone rang and Kate hesitated for a moment before pulling it out of her pocket. No, it couldn't be work. It just couldn't. _No._

"Yo, Beckett." Esposito said, once she picked it up. "We have a body."

_Damn it._

"I'll be right there" She said, writing the address he was giving her in a napkin.

"Work?" Castle asked, the corners of his mouth twitching in a half-smile after she hung up he phone.

"Yeah. I'm..I'm sorry." She put her phone back in her pocket, mentally cursing the damn murderer for killing someone today.

"It's alright, go."

"It was really good to catch up, Castle." She said, this time without smiling though.

"I agree." He was the first one to get up and Kate wondered if he was dying to get out of there so he wouldn't have to look at her again. She, on the other hand, was dying to ask him if they could see each other again. She needed to see him. She needed to apologize and explain him everything. Tell him the news. Now that she was sort of aware of how he was doing it was easier. And even if it wasn't, she had to tell him one way or another. He deserved to know. And next time she would be ready to face his reactions, without her voice shaking and her knees getting week.

"Don't leave yet, wait here while I pay." Oh. Thus the rush to get up.

"No, Castle, I…" She got up, stretching her arm to stop him. He did stop, probably taken aback by the warmth of her fingers in his arm. Kate let him go instantaneously, realizing that she had almost stumbled upon his feet since he had turned around too quickly. She stared at him, closer than ever.

"I insist." He took a step back, breaking the moment.

Kate didn't even respond. He walked towards the counter, paid the bill and came back, she was still immobile near the table.

"So, perhaps we could…" He started.

Kate shook her head, awaking herself from her own thoughts and raised her eyes to look at him.

"My mother's play premiere's tomorrow night. Do you wanna come? I'm sure she and Alexis would love to see you." His words came out quickly; as if he had been giving it a lot of thought and just wanted to get it over with already.

Kate's eye widened. He actually wanted to see her again. But now she wasn't sure. Both Martha and Alexis probably hated her for what she had done to that man.

"I don't know, Rick, are you sure that's a good idea?"

"I'll pick you up at eight, is that okay?" He opened the coffee shop's door for her, smiling as she got out.

_Well, screw it, s_he though, _better say yes before he regrets what he's doing._

"It's perfect."

"Okay, see you tomorrow then."

"See you tomorrow."

Kate smiled and entered a cab. She knew there were too many reasons why she shouldn't be smiling, but she was. She couldn't even care that she'd have a lot to deal with. All she could care about was that he was giving her a second chance. And that meant to world to her.

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><p><strong>AN2: Okay, so... If you're confused with Rick being this okay with her after what happened, calm down. It all will be explained in the next chapter.**

Clara


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Oh my god, dear readers don't hate me, please. I mean that is if I still have readers. **

**I swear I was trying to update faster but this time there were so many things that got in the way...Anyway, I decided to give you a smaller chapter instead of making you wait longer. Hope that it's okay with you even though it's terribly small. But this time I promise I won't take long to update.**

**And I'm so, so, so sorryyy.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

_"She makes you cry and still you stay  
>Why can't you just walk away<br>Everytime you hurt it hurts me too  
>She ain't the girl for you"<em>

He had no idea for how long he had been staring at the soup. Stirring it slowly, languidly, precisely trying to avoid the moment when he'd have to raise his eyes.

Oh well, it was now or never. Rick squeezed the spoon handle, pressing it harder against the bottom of the pot before looking up.

"Mother?"

"Yes, Richard?" Martha was setting the dinner table while Alexis was sitting on the couch, her back turned to them.

"I might need another ticket for your play."  
>Martha's face lighted up almost immediately, a wide smile appearing in her lips.<br>"Why, Richard? Are you bringing a date?" She put down three glasses she was holding and rushed to her son's side. "Tell me, who is it?"  
>Rick looked down at his mother, to her questioning eyes and raised eyebrows. His mouth felt dry and he didn't feel like he could handle her gaze for much longer.<br>Telling Kate that both his mother and daughter would be happy to see her had sort of been an overstatement. More like a lie. And inviting her for the play hadn't probably been a very good idea. But what is done is done so Castle took a deep breath and murmured.

"Kate."

"Kate who?" She was now taking the soup pot from the oven but Rick could still see a smile creeping in her face. For a moment he felt a gigantic wave of relief: She didn't actually seem to mind. But suddenly she stopped moving and turned back to look at him, her eyes widening with apprehension. "Kate Beckett?"

"What?" Alexis suddenly turned around in the couch. "You invited Beckett to the play?" She said, between clenched teeth.

Castles' eyes darted from one woman to another, both staring at him with an inquisitor, slightly intimidating look.

"Well yeah…" Was all he managed to say.

"Care to explain it to us, dad?"

"Well, I ran into her this afternoon and we didn't get enough time to talk so I thought it would be a good idea to…"

"To not speak to her after what she put you through? Yeah dad, that would have been a good idea." Alexis got up from the couch and stepped closer to her dad.

"Alexis, I don't like to hear you talking like that." Rick reprimanded.

"But it's the truth."

"I'm sure your father knows what he's doing, darling." Surprised for not seeing her taking Alexis' side, Castle gave her a grateful look.

"Yeah, he always does. Look where that has…" Alexis took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second before continuing. "I'm sorry, dad. I guess I just don't wanna see you get hurt again."

"Come here sweetie." He said, opening his arms. She gave him a small smile before getting closer. "You won't. Don't worry. I'm fine." He said as he hugged her tight.

"You better be." He felt her smile against his chest. "And by the way, you should change your shirt. This one smells way too much like fritters."

"Oh, excuse me for making you dinner Miss, will you?"

She chuckled before pulling back. "Okay, okay. Look, is dinner almost ready or do I still have time to go upstairs and make a call?"

"Go ahead, darling. There's still time." Martha was back at the table by then, folding napkins.

Alexis smiled and headed upstairs. A silence that Rick did not like came upon the room.

However, it didn't take long for his mother to break it.

"She's right, you know?"

"What?" He said absently, while checking the food in the oven.

"Alexis. She was being a bit rough on you but she's right." Suddenly, his mother was right behind him, her hand on his shoulder. "It took you a long time and a lot of effort to move on. You'll end up throwing it all away, Richard."

"Mother, it's okay, really."

"I really can't talk you out of this one, can I?" Martha gave him a tight lipped smile.

"Nope. Can you please be nice to her?"

"Richard, if there's one thing I am is nice. And kind. I like detective Beckett. I just don't like what she did to you."

"I'll take that as a yes." He lowered his head to place a kiss in his mother's cheek before bypassing her, walking towards the table. "Alexis, dinner is ready." He called.

"Just promise me you'll talk to her about this instead of pretending it never happened." Martha said at last.

"I promise."

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><p>AN: Do you hate me?:/


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm so very very sorry about the time that this has taken me to update! You probbaly don't even remember what this story is about by now. **

**I just had some complications and couldn't get this done sooner. Also, this still is one of the chapters that I'm writing for the second time (because that file loss, remember?) so I'm not that thrilled about writing this again. But really, I'm doing my best.**

**I made you a promise and I failed, that's why I'm not promising anything from now on. But please bear with me.**

**This is a really longer chapter, hope that makes up for something.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

_'So we lay in the dark,_  
><em>cause we've got nothing to say.<em>  
><em>Just the beating of hearts,<em> _like two drums in the grey._  
><em>I don't know what we're doing,<em>  
><em>I don't know what we've done.<em>  
><em>But the fire is coming,<em> _so I think we should run.'_  
><em><br>_

Standing outside her apartment he raised his hand for the fifth time, lowering it again without ringing the bell. Flashes of the last time he had been there kept emerging in his mind._ "It's the best for us both. Please close the door when you leave."_ Her words hit him again, almost as hard as they had four years ago. Almost as painfully. And as his heart clenched, the idea of turning around and heading for the play with the only two women who he knew could never hurt him that bad seemed like a good idea. Maybe they were right. Maybe he shouldn't be playing with fire. He looked at his feet, he couldn't make himself leave. It was like he was drawn to that door, to what was behind it. _To her._

"So, are you planning on staying here the rest of the night?" The sound of Kate's voice surprised him. She was standing in the doorway with an uncertain smile on her lips. When had she opened the door without him noticing?

Castle observed her closely and ended up detecting true hesitation and maybe… maybe even fear in her eyes. Could she be afraid he'd tell her he was cancelling their plans and that this had been a terrible idea?

"No, I was just about to knock. So, ready to go?" He caught himself smiling back, trying to ease her mind, still not sure of what he was doing. The way she let out a breath that neither of them had noticed she was holding brought him back to the eager mood he had been in before.

"Sure," she said as she grabbed her purse and coat and stepped outside. That was when it hit him. She was gorgeous, absolutely stunning in that black outfit. The dark, knee-length chiffon dress was clingy, hugging her body all the way down. It dipped between her breasts in ruffles, creating a V shape.

Then she was passing him by and pressing the elevator button. The doors were opening, she was stepping inside, and during all that time he couldn't make himself move. He couldn't stop staring. The dark straps over her shoulders led to a cut in the back, exposing a V of her glowing skin. _Stunning, indeed._

"Are you coming?"

"Hmm?" Castle blinked, replacing the mesmerized look he hoped she hadn't seen for a less hypnotized one. "Coming." He hurried to the elevator, almost colliding against her as the doors closed behind him.

There were so many reasons why he shouldn't be smiling every two seconds at the woman standing next to him, but…It just felt so much like the old times. And what a comforting feeling. The fighting? That could wait until later.

"Alexis is waiting in the car." The elevator doors opened and he stepped forward. Kate's arm kept him from going any further, though. He looked back at her, her eyes were shut and she hadn't moved, her fingers pressing firm in his forearm. "Is there anything wrong?" He watched the elevator doors close again as he stepped back to her side.

"She hates me doesn't she?", Kate bit her lip before continuing, "Alexis. I mean…I can see it, you're nervous. And…I totally understand, if I was her I'd-"

"Kate," he cut her off. "Listen, it will be alright."

"How do you do this? How come you're standing here, basically telling me not to be afraid of your 22-year-old daughter, and actually holding my hand after all I did to you?"

_Wait, holding what? _Castle looked down at his left hand and noticed he was nearly entwining his fingers with hers without even realizing.

"We will talk about that later, Kate. Really," he dropped her hand. "For now let's just try to enjoy the evening, shall we?" He nudged her with his shoulder, grinning.

"Yeah, you're right. Of course." She smiled, but for some reason she didn't seem convinced.

##

Her worries were proved right the moment they got to the car, even though Castle glanced his daughter a really intimidating look before opening the door to Kate.

"I'm sorry it took us so long, honey," Castle said as he fastened his sit-belt.

"Sure you are," he heard Alexis whisper from the back. "Oh, hi detective Beckett."

Kate, who was just done fastening her sit belt, too, turned around in her sit to look at Alexis.

"My God, look at you, all grown up. How have you been?" Castle couldn't help noticing the apprehension in her voice even though she was trying to hide it all behind a smile.

"Everything's okay, thank you," Alexis answered, polite, simple, short, yet so cold. And just like that, the atmosphere was already too heavy for any of them to bear. Rick took a deep breath. Those were going to be the longest fifteen minutes of his life.

"So what's the play about?" Kate asked after a while.

"Alexis can certainly answer you better than I can, she has been there through the rehearsals," Castle raised his eyes to look at the review mirror and found his redhead daughter narrowing her eyes at him. _Oh, if looks could kill_. Terrible mistake, trying to pull her into the conversation. He cleared his throat and managed to come up with something. "Anyway, it's..uh..about a woman who goes somewhere to…try to achieve her dream...and…I guess that's it."

"Sounds… interesting." Through the corner of his eye he saw Kate biting her lip to hide a smile. She'd noticed his desperate attempt to save the moment.

"Right?" He said, throwing her an apologetic smile.

"Absolutely. Can't wait to see it."

"That's a good thing we're already here then," Castle looked at the window, through which he could already see the crowded theater entrance. He heard Alexis unlocking her seat belt long before he was finished parking. His daughter looked even more anxious to get out of that car than what he did. Kate was the only one who somehow was managing to keep a perfectly relaxed expression and a polite smile. But he knew, _oh he knew_, she was absolutely terrified on the inside.

Alexis was the first one to get out of the car, immediately followed by Kate. Before he could get out, Castle accidentally dropped his phone and took a few minutes looking for it under the driver's seat. When he raised his head and looked through the glass, Kate was standing alone in the side walk.

"Where's Alexis?" He asked as he got out of the car.

"She muttered something like _'I don't wanna be late'_ and took off," Kate smiled and started crossing the street. "But I did get the '_I don't wanna be alone with you_' look."

"Right," He gave her another apologetic smile as he kept up with her. "Sorry about that."

"Don't worry," she smiled back. "But she does hate me."

"No, really she doesn't, she's just…" Kate cut him off with just a look. "Okay, maybe she hates you just a little."

"She has the right to." He heard her murmur but before he could respond someone bumped into him.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," the woman muttered. "Wow, Rick?"

"Gina?" Castle's eyebrows furrowed. "What are you doing here?"

"Your mother sent me an invitation. She didn't tell you? Oh well, I can see she didn't. Anyway, you look good, have you been working out? And how's Ale-" Gina's eyes widened as she noticed the woman standing next to Castle. "Detective Beckett? I didn't know you two were getting along again."

"Yeah, hi Gina." Kate smiled politely.

Castle glanced between the two women, noticing Gina's inquiring look and Kate's fake smile._ 'As if this night wasn't awkward enough already."_

"Hm, as much as I'd like to catch up, I think Kate and I should get going. Martha Rogers is not very fond of lack of punctuality when it comes to her plays. You know how it is."

"Right. Well, I would go with you, but I'm waiting for my date. So, see you inside." Gina said, while eyeing Kate, and Kate only, even though her face was slightly turned to Castle while she spoke.

"See you inside." Kate mumbled as Rick gently grabbed her arm and pushed her forward.

"Sorry about that, too," he said when Gina was no longer in their sight.

"No problem," she smiled as she watched him pulling the tickets out of his wallet. "Come on. Alexis is probably waiting by the seats, right?

"Probably. Listen, Kate, I'm really sorry about the way she's acting…"

"Shh, don't worry. Let's go, they're closing the doors."

##

The play was actually quite good, it just hadn't anything to do with a woman chasing down her dreams.

"I guess I really haven't been paying much attention to what my mother has been saying." He whispered to Kate as he got up to applaud.

"Yeah, Castle, but you got the _'it's a story about a woman' _part right," Beckett nudged him with her elbow, smiling as she got up too. "That's close."

Well, it was a story about a woman alright. A depressed, lonely woman in her 30's forced by her sister to get out of the house and to "g_o live a little"_ in some other city_. _Martha played a very wise and fun lady who met the main character somewhere in the middle of that week and helped her dealing with all sorts of issues. Castle's mother had definitely nailed the part.

"Grandma, I'm so proud of you!" Alexis jumped into Martha's wide open arms as soon as they met her near the dressing room where only friends and family were allowed.

"Oh, thank you, darling!"

"Very well done, mother. I'm quite proud of you as well." Rick came closer, placing a kiss on his mother's cheek.

"Thank you, Richard," she smiled, caressing his face with her right hand while still keeping Alexis under her other arm. "Where's Ka-"

"Hi, Martha," Kate, who had stayed a few feet behind the family came closer. "The play was amazing. Congratulations," Castle watched her smiling shyly, probably afraid that his mother would be as harsh on her as his daughter.

"I'm really glad you enjoyed it." Instead, Martha smiled brightly at her. Both Castle and Beckett let out a sigh. At least someone was willing to pretend everything was fine for a while with them. "You look good, detective. I, on the other hand, must look terrible with all this make-up on. But oh well."

"Absolutely not, Martha. You look great, really. And thank you for the ticket, it was a real pleasure."

"The pleasure was mine, dear." Martha answered, still smiling. "Oh, Richard, have you seen Gina? I don't know if I told you but I sent her an invitation."

"Yes, I did see her. And no, you didn't tell me. Thank you for that, by the way."

"Oh, don't tell me you don't like the element of surprise every now and then." Martha patted his shoulder. "I was trying to bring as much people as I could and I remembered she was into theater. I hope that wasn't a problem?"

"No problem at all." Castle smiled, it was time to change the subject. "So, mother, are you ready?"

"I am, let me just go get my things and we can go."

"Actually, I was thinking…"

"What?" Alexis raised her eye-brows.

"That either you or grandma could take the car, sweetie, and I'd walk Kate home." Castle turned his gaze to Kate, seeking her approval. She was nodding, but her eyes had widened and she was chewing on her lips. _Anxiety, perhaps?_

"But it's raining, dad," Alexis pointed out to a large window beside them where little rain drops were starting to gather.

"We don't mind. Right, Kate?"

"No, not at all," she responded, a little too quickly.

"Fine." Alexis muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Then you two better get going." Martha gave a couple of steps forward and hugged Kate. Castle heard his mother whispering something to her hear but unfortunately the words weren't loud enough for him to understand. He'd have to ask his mother about it later. Or Kate.

"It was great to see you both," Beckett smiled. Alexis whispered something that sounded a lot like _"it was great seeing you too" _but the sarcasm was all over her face.

"Take care, detective."

##

"Are you sure you don't mind going out on the rain?" Castle asked as he held the door for her.

"Not at all."

"You know, I was starting to like this pretending game," a frustration smile splattered across Castle's face.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I was starting to like to pretend that I'm not mad at you." He felt the first rain drops on his cheek. It wasn't raining that much, and it wasn't even cold. But it suddenly felt cold. Icy, between them.

As soon as they got to the sidewalk and he recalled why they were there in the first place, the words, _her words,_ came back again, "_Go away, please."_ and with them all the anger, all the pain.

"_What do you mean…?"_

"_I mean like f__orever…" _

"Rick?" She whispered.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

He ran his hands over his face before answering. Oh, how he wished sorry would do.

"That's not enough."

"I know," Kate sighed. "I know."

* * *

><p><strong>AN2: I don't know if I deserve any reviews after so many weeks without updating but...I'm going to ask for them anyway ^^' They make me write faster, really.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thank you everyone who added this to their alerts or favorites, and thank you (especially) to the ones who decided to cheer up my day by reviewing :)**

**Okay, now you can't say that I'm not trying to make up for the lost time, haha! **

**This was supposed to be longer but when I finished writing this part I thought it stood well on its own, so I'll leave the rest for the 7th chapter. Hope you like it. (Don't mind me, I've just been sobbing over my own words while writing the entire chapter.)**

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><p><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

_'After all, the broken stones__  
><em>_That were thrown, for no good reason__  
><em>_Inside, she's loving him still__  
><em>_And though her heart bears the scars__  
><em>_No sign of healing, It's all right__  
><em>_She's loving him still, after all this time.'_

The street was quiet. The majority of the light and the noises came from the now distant theater entrance. A few people had passed them by, an elder woman, a group of teenagers…but now, now they were alone. Alone in an impenetrable silence.

Kate shivered, she didn't mind the rain but it was starting to get cold. Not that she would have preferred going in the car with Martha and Alexis. Actually, when Castle had asked her if she was okay with him walking her home, she had been quite happy. Anxious and scared too, but happy. This was a moment she knew they needed. This was her chance to tell him everything, to fix it. The words whispered by Martha into her ear, just before they left the theater, echoed in her head: _"It's never too late to fix our mistakes, dear. Even the most imprudent ones. "_

Beckett glanced at Castle who was walking next to her, hands on his pockets, eyes on the horizon. He seemed fine, at a first sight. But the scars, the scars were there, all over the place. The sadness hidden in his eyes, the way his lips weren't curved in a permanent smile anymore, those deep dark circles under his eyes. But in one way or another, he had healed. He had buried the past. Was it fair for him that she was bringing it all to the surface again?

"This is the part where you explain what the hell you were thinking back then," he spilled it all in one breath. Fair or not, it seemed to be what he wanted.

"I know," she sighed. "I'm just wondering where to start from."

"That night, at your apartment, would be a good place to start."

"Oh no," a thinking smile appeared on her face as her eyes glazed. "It comes from way long before that."

"From when, then?"

"It's hard to tell."

"Kate."

"Wait, I'm getting there," she took a deep breath, staring at her own feet as she walked before speaking again. When she did, her voice was nothing more but a whisper. "It dates back to the time I realized I was in love with you."

"What?" he stopped abruptly, and so did she. "You were in love with me?"

"I…was, yeah," maybe that wasn't the right time to tell him that she was pretty much still in love with him.

"Damn it, Kate! Why didn't you just tell me that? Seriously, why would you even push me away? Did you…Did it cross your mind that I didn't feel the same way?"

She laughed quietly. An ironic, sad laughter.

"It did cross my mind, yes. But deep down I knew you did. Because…because you told me and I believed in you," that was it. She had said it. "But that's precisely the reason why I-"

"Wait. Are you saying you…you remember?" he interrupted.

"I am," the look in his eyes broke her heart all over again. Even in the dark she could see his pain, the way something that looked a lot like a tear showed up in the corner of his left eye. "Rick, I…"

"You what, Kate?" the momentary sadness in his voice had turned into pure anger, and he was now yelling. "You heard me stating my most sincere feelings and you decided it was a good idea to ignore it? To pretend it had never happened? Why, Kate? If you felt the same, it doesn't make any sense! You better start explaining things clearly, because so far the only thing you've gotten is me angrier and more confuse than I've ever been. And it's starting to get cold, so hurry the hell up!"

Kate shivered again, but this time she was pretty sure the cold wasn't the cause of it. His flushed cheeks and furious glare were doing it for her.

"Sorry," he muttered, clearing his throat and starting the walk again, waiting for her to catch him up.

"It's alright, I deserved it," she said as she started walking as well. "Castle, there are things you don't know about me. You have known me better than everyone else, but there are still things I don't tell anybody."

"I'm listening."

"I used to wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares. I'd see my mother lying dead in that alley over and over again. I'd see myself finding out who her killer is and being swollen for some dark hole before I could catch him. And the night before I told you I wanted you to leave…I'd had a dream in which you got killed because of my mother's case. Because of me. And hell, that got me thinking. I knew you were in love with me, Castle. I knew that if I went too far, you'd be coming with me," she glanced at him again through the corner of her eye. He was impassive, taking her every word in. "You could get hurt, Castle," her voice quivered, so she stopped speaking for a moment. "There were so many reasons why I thought the right thing was pushing you away…"

"Kate, that doesn't cut it."

"Wait, I'm not finished yet," in fact, she knew that even when she was finished, he wouldn't be able to forgive her. She saw that now, in his eyes. _Sometimes, it really is too late. _"I didn't tell you I had heard you at the funeral because I was healing. I was going to a therapist, you know? Trying to put myself together, mainly for us. Because you deserved someone who didn't wake up screaming in the middle of the night. Because I couldn't stand to give us a shot and mess it up. But that night, after a day chasing down a bunch of fake leads and useless suspects I…I lost all my faith. In me. I came back to the thought that the only way of healing was finding that bastard and take him down. But I didn't know how long that would take and I couldn't have you there, waiting. Waiting for something that perhaps would never happen. It would have been too selfish from me, you understand? Especially because I'd be putting you in danger. More than ever. Castle I couldn't afford to lose you," she felt a salty taste in her mouth and only then she noticed the few tears that were streaming down her face, mixing themselves with raindrops.

"Is that all?" he sounded so cold that Kate suddenly felt an excruciating pain in her heart, in her stomach, all over a body. She stopped for a moment, but this time he didn't stop with her. Instead, he kept walking, maintaining the same rhythm without even looking back.

"Castle!" she yelled. The last syllable being barely audible, since her voice got caught up in her throat, blending with a sob.

"What?" He turned around, yelling as well. They were now twenty feet apart in the empty sidewalk. Even at that distance she could see his angry eyes and red cheeks, she had hurt him. _Bad._

"Wait!" she screamed and ran to catch him, pulling his arm when she finally reached him. "Wait for God's sake, Castle!"

Silence fell upon them as he stared into her teary eyes, apparently pondering on what he was going to say next. Kate didn't move her hand from his arm, pretty sure (now more than ever) that that was the last time she'd be feeling how warm he was even out there in that winter night.

But suddenly he was harshly placing an arm around her waist and pulling her closer. His right hand came to cup her face and he looked her right in the eyes before crashing his lips onto hers, with so much force that she opened her mouth immediately, caught up by surprise. Beckett tried to think, tried to understand if it was better to just go with it or stop it, but her thoughts weren't clear. Everything was hazy and she was hypnotized, incapable of stopping him. When she started to respond to the kiss, opening her lips over his, he slid his tongue inside her mouth, brutally exploring it. She could feel the anger mixed with passion, with desire. And then there were tears, tears everywhere, hers, his, mixed with raindrops. He slid his hand down her hair, titling her head back and moving the kiss to her neck with the same amount of persistence and fury. She moaned and let her hands play with his hair. He came back to her mouth, and this time it was her who put everything into the kiss. Her feelings. Her frustration, her anger, her love. His mouth kept moving over hers, their tongues fighting for something they both knew they couldn't have. **Each other.**

Suddenly, he pulled back, leaning his forehead against hers.

"This. This is what we could have been, if _you_ had given us that chance," he whispered. She noticed then that they were both intensely panting."Kate, why didn't you just tell me?" And before she could say anything, he was letting her go.

She wanted to ask him what that had been for. She wanted to yell at him for even thinking he had the right to kiss her like that, like _she was his. _She wanted to slap him for daring to use a kiss to release all of his anger. She wanted to yell until his ears were burning for just giving her thirty seconds of hope, ruining it all after. Instead, she took a deep breath and wiped her tears away, smoothing then her completely messy hair.

"Because if I had told you, you wouldn't have let me go," Kate answered.

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><p><strong><em>AN2: I think, _that after this super fast update, I deserve some reviews, lala. I'd really love to hear what you have to say on this one :) **

**Well, and while you wait for the next chapter, you could always go check my new fic :p (Its title was _'There's something I need to tell you'_, but I changed it to _'I'm sorry'_ and it's taking time for the site to update it so..you know...just go to my profile and chose the one with either of the titles above xD)**


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